Rediscovering Yourself

Unless you've been under a rock all of 2019 and then some, you've likely heard a tune by Lizzo. The girl is taking over the world and is a boss role model for women everywhere. She's independent, real, and knows her worth.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I've been blasting some Lizzo heavy over the last few months. Life will just about break you sometimes and your options are punch back or let it take you over. During the tough stuff, you typically go back and forth through both of those options... a lot.

2019 brought me a world of hurt. I lost a lot of things that were dear to me and myself for a little bit there. As I gain that fight back, I have to reflect on what brought me here.

My friends and family.

Whether I've known you all my life or just met you this year, you all have helped me through. For awhile there, it felt like I just kept getting pummeled and I appreciate you all for helping me through it. Thank you to those who travelled across the state to be my plus ones and others that let my moral support take part in their big days. Thank you to those that forced me to get out of my house when I wanted to do nothing but stay in bed. Thank you to the ones that kept reminding me to be positive when I was anything but. I especially have to thank my mom, who I looked to for strength through it all. You're the strongest person I know and I will always look to you for motivation to not only get through my battles, but to win them. I'm sorry for yelling as you forced me to hear the things I needed to when I didn't want to hear them. I'm stubborn and I know I can be a pain. I hate being the person who needs help and I'd much rather be the person with the answers but I wasn't able to get through these hurdles alone. So thank you.

My fur babies.

Losing Phoenix was a big part of the hurt 2019 brought. Dog lovers understand the pain that comes with losing a pet. It's never easy and it stays with you forever. They give you unconditional love and constant entertainment. We really don't deserve dogs. Ruby has always been my girl. She helped me recover from a motorcycle accident and she was by my side through this year. There were several nights where she was in my face so much that even at my most upset, I had to smile a little. Little Logan is just a bundle of energy. Who can be miserable around a spunky little husky puppy? Not me.

My team.

Yes, those crazy kids that I coach helped get me through some heavy stuff. There were many times that I was frustrated with myself because I felt like I wasn't giving them enough of me. I was distracted and exhausted... a lot. As most coaches know, you don't just coach the sport. You hopefully help your kids develop strong values and give them tools they'll need to deal with the things life can throw at them. That goal is what helped me. I kept thinking 'how hypocritical of me would it be to tell these kids that they deserve to have people in their lives that help them level up and anything less is not worth their time, if I was not allowing myself to believe the same'.

My work.

While I 100% work to avoid dealing with emotions and life, work has helped me sort through the rollercoaster. By giving myself a place where I could clear my head for just a little, I was proving to myself that at the end of the day, I've got me. I have too much to offer, both professionally and personally, to let myself stay drowning. This blog, for example, is something I hope to do more of. Writing has always been my passion and not tapping into that because of fear of what people reading will think is useless.

Therapy.

At first, I went into therapy with complete different intentions. I was hoping to figure out a way to help someone who was struggling, without losing myself or putting added pressure on them. Eventually, it became about getting myself back and figuring out how to exist in my "new normal". I know for a fact I frustrated the hell out of my therapist. "Why do you justify the actions of everyone around you but refuse to cut yourself any slack" was stated on multiple occasions. We tapped into my underlying self-esteem issues and my resistance towards opening up. Even though I felt like someone beat the crap out of me after every visit, I know that the process helped. I would've fallen into a much darker place without it.

The moral of the story, it takes time to get yourself back. Don't let anyone tell you when you should have things figured out again. Respect yourself, preserve your energy, and do what you need to do. The right people will be around after you've pulled yourself out of the ashes.